How to Gently Teach Our Kids to Say Sorry
Yesterday, at a petrol station convenience store, a young girl bumped into us, knocking my little boy down. Before she could run off, I gently asked her to apologize. She did, and that simple "sorry" softened me and helped my boy release his emotions by crying.
This encounter reminded me of the importance of teaching kids to apologize. While some argue against forcing apologies, my experience showed that even a small “sorry” can help mend relationships and foster accountability.
Why Saying Sorry Matters
Here's why it's important. Even if apologies aren’t always heartfelt at this age, teaching our kids to say sorry lays the foundation for self-awareness and accountability. It's more than a word. It sets a foundation for kids to acknowledge their actions. It's not just about what is the polite thing to do; it's also about helping them connect with others and mend relationships. I hope in time to come that my son understands that "sorry" is a way to show respect and make things right.
“Even if apologies aren’t always heartfelt at this age, teaching our kids to say sorry lays the foundation for self-awareness and accountability. It’s also about helping them connect with others and mend relationships.”
As parents, we all want our kids to grow up as compassionate, empathetic people. The foundations can be laid at a young age, even way before they fully grasp the meaning of remorse. With enough practice in saying sorry, toddlers will learn the value of accountability and respect, which are key building blocks for healthy relationships.
All that being said, apologies shouldn't feel forced or worse, turn into a power play. Our kids' saying sorry shouldn't be a means of "saving face" for us as parents or forcing our children to submit. Instead, it's about giving them a chance to acknowledge their actions (in a way that's age-appropriate).
Toddlers Naturally Don’t Want to Say Sorry—Here’s Why:
Teaching toddlers to apologize can often feel like a struggle against their innate sense of pride and independence. This reluctance to say sorry is not just a defiance; it's a normal part of their development. Toddlers are navigating their sense of self, learning about boundaries, and experimenting with their autonomy.
The Trap of Teaching Kids to Say Sorry as Just a Word
Just the other day, my 2.5-year-old had just hit me with a foam drum stick out of frustration, and after a few prompts to say sorry, he continued playing as if nothing happened. Finally, he came to me asking for help with reaching his Duplo set, and without thinking, I said, “You haven’t even apologized for hitting me, and now you want me to help?”
His quick reply was “Sorry!” But was it sincere? Not really.
This response made me realize that it's often easier to get a toddler to say the word than to foster a genuine apology behind it. My unintended "arm-twisting" (like withholding my help for the Duplos) easily did the trick. Although my son knows hitting is wrong and that he should apologize afterward, a part of him resisted truly expressing remorse - he only said sorry because he wanted Duplos.
The trouble with "arm-twisting" also is that when you have no leverage, the teaching is ineffective. Take another recent incident at his grandaunt's, for example. My son threw a special and rare pear-shaped bowl on the ground (I didn't manage to see what triggered him) and it broke a part off. He refused to say sorry that whole night despite multiple prompts. He simply chose to hold on to his big ol' toddler pride all the way.
Apologizing is a way to reconnect and repair the wrong done. Saying sorry is a natural, positive part of relationships. Saying sorry is also an act of love.
All that goes to show...I can't expect him to feel or express full remorse at this age. But what I can and must help him with is to see “sorry” as a way to reconnect and repair. I want my son to know that saying sorry is also an act of love. It's all part of the package in raising a child to become a person of good character and empathy. It's tough-going, but necessary.
Here are some things I've implemented and plan to keep going on this character-building journey:
Teaching Our Kids to Say Sorry in Meaningful Ways
Model saying sorry in everyday life
I want J to see that saying sorry is a natural, positive part of relationships. Whether I apologize for snapping at him in a rushed moment or I say sorry to my husband, I want J to understand that everyone makes mistakes (as I do all the time!) and that owning up to them is okay. Any pride loss is far outweighed by the gain of a relationship repaired.Focus on actions as well as words
A kid so young may not be able to express remorse verbally, but I can encourage him to make amends in other ways. He could offer a hug or offer to help pick something up to show he cares. More than just a word of "sorry", I'd like him to have plenty of practice repairing relationships in a variety of ways.Explain why we say sorry
I try to frame apologies as a way to make others feel better or as a way to care for those we love. "When we hurt someone, we say sorry to show that we care about them." Hopefully this helps to shift the focus away from a pride and power struggle to a positive focus on the relationship at stake instead.Avoid forcing kids to say sorry or using them as punishment
It can be soooo tempting to make my toddler say sorry on command. That power and pride struggle is real, not just for the toddler, but for the parent too! The last thing I want to see happen is my child to feel so forced that he begins to resent apologies or see them as a way to avoid consequences or to get what he wants (remember the story about Duplos above?)Recognize and reinforce good efforts
My kid thrives on praise. Pretty sure yours does too! Rare is the occasion that my son will apologize without prompting, but when he does, I'll always thank him. "Thank you for saying sorry, that was so thoughtful!" The point is to show him that his apology was noticed and appreciated, and encourage him to continue making positive choices.
"Thank you for saying sorry, that was so thoughtful!"
It’s Not Easy Teaching Kids To Say Sorry… But It’s Worth the Trouble
Teaching our kids to say sorry is going to be quite the tedious (and long) journey.
Sometimes they’ll apologize willingly; other times, pride or independence will stand in the way. It's better to take the trouble to guide our kids toward a heartfelt apology, even if it takes time, than to settle for quick, transactional compliance. With some patience and persistence, eventually, they’ll understand that saying sorry isn’t just a “rule” but a way to connect and heal with those around them - that's the true spirit of making amends!
Ultimately, though, we don’t have the power to change hearts and minds, but God does. So let’s pray for our kids—that God would soften their hearts and daily increase their love for others. May God fill us too, with wisdom to guide them, and fresh patience for every day.
