Is Gentle Parenting Too Soft? Here’s What I’ve Learned
“Maybe Your Gentle Parenting Isn’t Working.”
Oof. Just recently, someone said this to me. Yes, in these plain and exact words, straight up and right to my face.
Only, it wasn’t said with any ill intent. It came from someone I love—a very close family member. And still, it hurt.
She didn’t mean to wound me. She’s from a generation before us who aren’t in touch with just how divisive even the mention of “gentle parenting” can be to the modern parent. She has no clue the unique nuances and pressures of today’s parenting that us millennial parents have taken on, being the information overloaded and emotionally attuned generation.
Still, I was wounded because her words hit a spot that’s already sore. I guess I didn’t realize how sore it actually was until I felt the sting of those words.
And boy, I cried hard that day. Bless L, my husband, for his ears and heart. He held space for my complex emotions that day.
See, the truth is, I do wonder sometimes. Am I getting this right? Is this approach even working? Is this just some popular culture nonsense that doesn’t actually hold any water? Am I being too soft? Too wishful in my thinking? Too naive?
In contrast to traditional Asian culture, the “gentler” approach can look confusing, too soft, or even wrong.
Gentle parenting* as an Asian millennial parent.
Choosing a gentler way to parent can be challenging (if not lonely), especially against the backdrop of traditional and cultural norms.
While gentle parenting may be more embraced in Western settings, it’s still far from the norm in my Singaporean Chinese culture. Here, parenting is traditionally rooted in strictness, high achievement, and silent compliance.
In contrast, “gentle” can look like weakness. Like indulgence. Like it just doesn’t work.
But here’s where my heart always lands:
Yes, I do want to raise a well-behaved child. But I want my child’s good behaviour to come from his own conviction and character, not blind compliance.
I want his sense of right and wrong to be rooted in truth and relationships, not fear or performance.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”—Hebrews 12:11 (NIV)
That kind of deep heart formation takes time. Oof, friend, so much time. It takes repetition, and consistency. Not to mention self-control plus loads of patience from us, the parents.
And yes, I get it, it’s so tempting to go for the quick fixes (guilty as charged). To raise our voices. To threaten consequences. To give a sharp smack on a little hand (something I’ve regretfully done before). Reach for the quick fix that seems effective in the moment.
But I’m learning to care more about reaching my child’s heart than controlling his behavior. (Keyword: learning—I’m failing often, but not giving up.)
Discipline = discipleship, and it’s no easy feat.
I’ve been there. I still struggle. Some days, it’s a battle just to keep myself calm.
But I’m learning, I’m choosing, to care more about reaching my child’s heart than just controlling his behaviour. I want him to follow what’s right not out of fear, but out of love and understanding.
And that kind of parenting? It’s slow. Often results unseen. Micro improvements only you can discern, but nothing to show for your efforts in the present moment. Sometimes, it doesn’t even look like it’s working at all.
What I draw comfort from is that by virtue of the fact that I’m struggling with the concept of how best to discipline my child, it shows that I’m on track. Discipline is never easy. It’s hard work. Of course it is!
There’s a verse in the Bible that comforts me deeply in this regard.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”—Hebrews 12:11 (NIV)
So if today feels like all ploughing and no fruit—mama, be encouraged. We may not see the harvest yet, but the seeds are being sown. The roots are quietly growing deep. Don’t give up. Keep tending with love. One day, in due time, surely we will see that harvest.
* A quick word on “gentle parenting”
I hesitate to call myself a “gentle parent” for two reasons:
The term assumes a certain outward tone or demeanor—and if that’s the benchmark, I’m often far from gentle.
The phrase carries wildly different interpretations, often leading to misunderstandings.
But still, we need language to start the conversation. So here’s what gentle parenting means to me:
Staying calm in their chaos.
Guiding with respect.
Disciplining in love, not anger (oof, so so hard for me).
Heart change, not just behavior change.
Seeing the whole child—even at their worst—and staying connected.
The language might be messy, but the heart is still to disciple with patience and love—even when it doesn’t look perfectly “gentle.”
Now back to the post :)
When Someone Questions Your Parenting
Even when it’s said with love, and even when it’s just an accidental comment, if you’ve ever been told in some way some form of this:
“You’re letting them get away with too much.”
“Maybe you need to be more firm.”
“Back in our time, one look was enough.”
“I wouldn’t have gotten away with this last time.”
and you felt your insides twist with the pain of being misunderstood, coupled with self-doubt, I want to tenderly remind you:
You’re not failing.
You’re just walking a road that’s less travelled. You’re treading a narrower path that requires care and time to reveal fruit. Your path might not make immediate sense to those who raised little ones in a different era and culture, but that doesn’t mean you got it wrong.
What Can You Say in the Moment?
What can keep us from wavering is holding true to convictions, as opposed to what is trending or what feels convenient.
It took me weeks to address the comment. And when I finally did, I explained it as indirectly as I could so as not to come across as aggressive.
“We really don’t believe in hitting. Here’s what we did when he last misbehaved.”
At the moment the comment was made, I didn’t sense the time was right to say anything. I also felt too vulnerable to open up a further discussion on the topic.
Likewise, you don’t need to explain your whole parenting philosophy to the commenter. But if you do want to say something, here are a few gentle responses that hold your ground without creating tension:
“I know it looks different, but it’s a process I’m growing in.”
“This approach is meaningful to us, even though it may not look like it’s working right now.”
And if you don’t feel ready to say anything at all, that’s okay too. You’re allowed to take a breath, hold space for feelings, and cry if you need. You can journal, pray, vent to a safe person, process… whatever helps you come back to center.
Making effort to stay close, connected and correct an erring child is not the easy way.
It’s the long, intentional, often exhausting way. But what can keep us from faltering is holding true to convictions, as opposed to what’s trendy or what feels convenient.
For me, that conviction is shaped by how I believe God parents us.
Parenting after God’s own heart
God doesn’t parent us through fear or shame. Yes, He is holy and just, but His justice is never without love. His correction never comes to crush, but to restore. Scripture tells us He is slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love (Psalm 103:8).
He doesn’t demand blind obedience or rule through intimidation. He invites us into relationship. He gives undeserved grace, unmerited favour. He sets loving, not limiting, boundaries.
That’s the kind of parent I want to be. To reflect God’s gentleness in strength. Not being permissive, but always being patient. Not controlling, but wise. Firm, yet full of compassion.
God never demands blind obedience or rules through intimidation. He invites us into relationship.
If you’re doubting yourself today…
Oh sweet friend, let this be the reminder your heart needs:
You are not too soft.
You are not doing it all wrong.
You are sowing seeds that take time to root and fruit.
This way of parenting might not get applause from everyone around us. But we know this: we’re not here to perform. We’re not here for another’s stamp of approval. We’re here to raise little humans with the kindest hearts. To lead with love.
So let’s trust this quiet work.
Let’s keep going mama. Even though it’s hard. Even when no one sees the labour.
A prayer before you go
Heavenly Father,
When doubt creeps in and the voices around us feel louder than Yours, remind us of Your truth. Draw us back to what You say and how You’re leading us. Remind us that gentleness is not weakness. When we’re at our wits end, help us look to you and model after your heart in our parenting: You are patient with us, slow to anger, rich in love. Help us to experience your heart once again, and then help us reflect that same heart to our children.
Strengthen our resolve when we feel weary. Help us lead with love, anchored in You. In the moments when we feel unseen, misunderstood, or alone, be our first refuge and our constant companion.
All this we pray in Jesus’ mighty name,
Amen.
Looking for more faith-filled motherhood encouragement like this?
Simplifying and savouring daily life as a mother happens with small steps and humble beginnings. I’m right there with you, mama. If you feel moved to drop me a note to share a struggle that we can pray together, you can reach me at @thehearthmakers on Instagram, or email me at hellohearthmakers@gmail.com. I generally don’t take too long to reply :)
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